This Paintball Hobby Can Be Painful

Seriously, what do you want? Sorry but this is me time, trying to better my life, and it seems to be alot easier doing it on my own.

Here It Is

So I guess eventually I will have to write about school, it's just that by the time I get home after being there all day, I'm not really in the mood to talk about it. SO I figured I could write while at school in between classes. Unfortunetly because I am doing a business program during the summer semester I have to go to 2 different campus's on alternating days. Travel time isn't terrible, but being such a shy person, it has been difficult going to 2 new schools where I know no one. All of my insecurities from highschool have come back tenfold, I thought I would have outgrown them. Last week was full of anxiety which made it so I had no appetite, which somehow ended up as a cold! On Thursday we were told that at break we should discuss a project with our classmates and decide who would partner up together. Me, being a loner, got so nervous to talk to people that I ended up going in to the washroom and being sick to my stomach instead. Lucky for me when I went back to class a few girls came up to me and asked if I would like to be in their group. Why was I so worked up? I must be crazy. Slowly I am getting back into this school routine, after being a bum for a year and doing nothing much besides work, it is hard to get back into a regular schedule. Second week is a little bit easier, it helps that I now have at least one person in each of my classes that I can talk to. But lo and behold I am still alone for the looong 2 hour(which seems more like 5 hours) break between classes. Well this blog sucks, my writing is scattered, but hey I have alot on my mind. Next class is computers which is sooo boringly easy, hello obviously I know how to use microsoft word, is this what I am paying $300 for? Have already almost completed an assignment that isn't due until June 9th. Yawn.... Im out.

Bad Timing or What

Being sick better not wreck this weekend

I need to do some major mental reorganzing...

Clutz of the Century?

If there is a corner, a sharp edge, a slight raise in the ground, I will find it for I am destined to always be covered in bruises. My elbow hurts. This makes me think of my Dad who is VERY overprotective ( Sorry Dad, this may embarass you?) When I was a kid I would never watch where I was going. One day as I was skipping along I had my face turned to behind me. So of course I didn't see the cement pole that I ran into face first. My Dad, being angry he hadn't been able to stop me getting hurt, decided to do the next best thing. He punched the cement pole. Bet that hurt!

You make me smile! I hope You know who you are! :)

No title?

A few things I've written in the past year that made me think as I reflected back on them today;

[Loving you is the most harmful thing I have ever done to myself]

[You've given me another chance to be the one you want to see. Do I want to make this work, to be the one You want Me to be?]

[I have watched the ones I've loved spirits grow cold, do you understand what it has done to me?]

Am I gloomy sometimes or what? Jeez !

Life, Again

Life, life, life. What else is there to write about really? Everyday I am humbled by the twists and turns life gives me. When you think you have everything figured out, wammy, life lets you know whos in charge. My question is, are we able to take the reins from life and fully be in charge of our own lives? Or are there too many outside influences that effect us?

Hard Work Pays Off!

So after all the hoops I have had to jump through to apply for school, apply for a student loan, apply for a fee deferral, apply for courses, I have worked everything out! Starting May 10th I am officially a student again and I am so excited! I am ready to get my life moving. Hurray! I haven't felt this happy in a long time. :)

Ruckus

I got Ruckus when I was most in need of something furry and cute to make me look forward to going home. The day I got him I was looking to buy a hamster, unfortunetly the pet store had none. Well, seeing as I was so excited and wanting SOMETHING I ended up with Ruckus who just happened to be a gerbil. When I got him home I put him in his carefully made up cage that I had made all pretty just for him. He tore the place apart! I went to pick him up and he bit me. I started texting and calling everyone I knew, asking if they wanted a gerbil, free cage and all! Fortunetly for me, no one wanted him. He turned out to be more than just a little rodent. In his life he did alot! From trips to Richmond, sunbathing outside in the summer, killing crickets like a machine, starring in a short film 'Paws and Order', to living with half a tail, he put gerbils on the map. Typically these little animals are lucky to live up to 3 years old, Ruckus lived to almost 5! On Easter he passed away peacefully, eating all the sunflower and pumpkin seeds out of his dish and then dying in his sleep in his little bed. Rest in peace little buddy, thanks for broadening my horizon.

Happy Easter!

I Enjoy Easter. Any occasion where people give me chocolate is a good one.

Reality Check

Today I was reading through some old journals of mine. I've realized that when I am feeling sorry for myself now, I should actually be feeling lucky, my life has improved alot. One journal entry in particular really put this in perspective.

Blissful ignorance, where have you gone?

Who is that person.. sleeping on my living room floor?

Will you rape me

or take me away and kill me?

I don't know, I've never seen you before.

Will my mumbling mother be coherant enough to care?

She doesn't even remember how to walk,

that's why she's collapsed on the chair.

Her face is puffy and blue,

she looks disformed.

Mommy, Mommy, it's my job to save you now.

It hurts me to see you like this.

You are more.

All is well that ends well, right?

How about you drop off the face of the Earth :)

You won't eat a dead animal, but you would threaten to kill your own child? Now I know I was right about you being crazy!

Something Simple To Keep In Mind

If you tell me you are going to do something, just do it. Otherwise don't say anything at all. That way I don't get my hopes up.

P.S Is it time for paintballing yet?

I Have My Outfit, I Have Been The Target For Target Practice, When Is It My Turn To Kick Some Ass? You Better Watch Out!

Some Congratulations Are In Order

It's A Boy! Welcome baby Emett, born Saturday March 13, 2010 at 7:10am.

Congratulations Marielle!

Hmm..

People tell me thats it's amazing that I have turned out as 'good' and well adjusted as I am. I don't know if it's a matter of me being well adjusted, I just don't see the point of dwelling on the negative and letting bad things in your life shape who you are. I think people that let that happen are weak. It is alot easier to be a bad person, a selfish person. It's hard to do the right thing, to put others before yourself. Recently I have noticed how one person in particular treats others. It makes me angry to see how selfish she is, she has no regard for other peoples feelings. Is selfishness a bad habit, like biting your nails, or is it embedded in someones core? I feel like she may be rotting from the inside out and it disgusts me.

Feels like I'm getting a little big bigger

You would think that it would be impossible to not hate someone that had made large portions of your life a living hell. Someone that had turned your mother into an alcholic mess, then hated her for it and beat her often. Someone that you were so afraid of that you would pray to God at night that they wouldn't come down the hallway when you were alseep and kill you. I wasted alot of time and energy hating this person. The person i'm talking about was recently hospitalized, there is still the posibility of him dying. Even though he has done so much to my family I went and visited him, telling him I hope he gets better.Seeing him so frail and sick looking with a tube coming out of his head made me realize that as terrible as he was, he was just a person, and like all people he makes mistakes. I feel so good that I have grown up and that I am able to be the bigger person. It seems that sometimes just letting things go is the best thing you can do.

Thankful for my PUG!

I was looking through Gwens blog today and I came across some pictures that she had posted from our very first dog run together. It made me think of how far we had come as friends. When I first heard her on the phone it was the summer of 2008. She was asking if I would like to come up to her house and 'try out' to be her kennel help. Turns out my Moms ex boyfriend works with her husband, who happened to mention that his wife was looking for some help with her dogs, occasional feedings, that sort of thing. At this point I was working at a pet store and I was excited to work with animals some more. When I first met Gwen I was VERY intimidated by her. She seemed so self assured and confident. She took me out to the dog yard and introduced me to the dogs, kennel by kennel. How was I going to remember all their names when they all looked the same to me? Well, gradually I got to know the dogs as well as their owner. Turns out Gwen wasn't so scary after all. She was very straightforward and would always let me know exactly what she meant so I always knew where I stood with her. In October she invited me to go for an ATV run with the dogs up in the sunshine valley. After that morning my respect level for her and her dogs multiplied by millions. I was in awe at the teamwork between dogs and driver. Soon after this run Kit Kat had her puppies which then required more help from me as Gwen was very busy, working two jobs! That December Gwen asked me if I would like to come along to Camp K with her, not only as 'Cheif Puppy Minder' but also to have a chance to learn how to ride a dog sled. That trip brought us very close together. Since then we have gone on numerous trips together, lived together, lost together, and learned ALOT between us. Gwen has become more than a friend to me, she is also one of my biggest role models. My PUG (Parental Unit G) means the World to me and I am pretty sure I would be lost without her!!!

Feeling A Little Bit Pressured

Life is tough. I am a young adult trying to figure out life in general.

Trying to figure out who I am.

Trying to figure out how to take care of myself.

Trying to figure out what direction my life will take!

At this stage in my life nothing is set in stone, everything is up in the air. Some days this is intimidating, other days it is reassuring. I know if I mess up I will most likely have the time to go back and fix it!

So many people are putting pressure on me...

"What are you going to do with your life Erin?"

"When are you going back to school?"

"How are you going to support yourself?"

For the most part my answers are "I don't know!". I am okay with this. Why is everyone so focused on what I'm doing? I've just turned 21, did you know what you were doing with your life at that age? I have a general idea and I am open to what comes my way. I'm happy with this! This past year really taught me to take one step at a time, enjoy things as they are coming my way. Is the best life a life lived with no regrets? I would like to think so.

I am going to mess up, more than once! As long as I learn from it I think it's okay.

Definetly Not Forgotten

Missing You Guys

Some Father Daughter Love!

Hanging Out Together In Vancouver. Love You Dad!

Get Well Soon Dan!

On Friday night I was sitting at home playing some video games with Mackenziie, Wamblee and Dan were hanging out looking at Wamblee's paintball gear and fiddling with Lego. Mackenziie and I had been trying to get them to play with us but we were being ignored . Around 11pm Dan said he was leaving to go hang out with some friends. That was the last we heard from Dan until Saturday afternoon. Turns out on Friday night he crashed his truck into a tree, narrowly missing going down a 100 ft drop that would most definetly have killed him. Although he was "lucky" he now has a broken femur that has accumulated over 6 hours in surgury, a metal bar and over a hundred staples as well as jaw surgery for his broken jaw. He also broke his left cheek bone. Dan is in our thoughts and we are hoping for as speedy a recovery as possible. What a strong reminder to appreciate those in your life as you will never know when they will be taken away.

Olympic Pictures

Olympics

Recently I have been able to go to both downtown Vancouver and Whistler. I have to admit that I wasn't overly excited about the Olympics, but now that they are here it is such a rush! Being in crowds of people that are so varied and proud to be from wherever they come from is a cool feeling. I have never felt so proud to be Canadian and I am happy that people all over the world are seeing and appreciating our beautiful country. I hope everyone who can gets the chance to experience this once in a lifetime opportunity. How often does the Olympic Games come to your home town? Let me answer that for you.. They come once! Enjoy it! ( We all paid for it anyways!)

It's been awhile!

Sorry I haven't written since last week, it has been so busy. On February 11th I celebrated my 21st birthday with most of my family and some friends. I was woken up at 6 by Gwen who told me to go outside and see what was on the front porch. It was flowers and a card, very sweet and worth waking up that early for! That evening we went to Paliottis ( one of the best Italian restaurants ever, you should try it) and came back home after for some exceptional Reese's blizzard ice cream cake! The best part was that my Dad, Mary, Nathan and my Uncle Ron ( random, haven't seen him for how long?) came all the way out from Richmond to share it with me. On Friday Gwen and Brad took me out to the Old Spaghetti Factory in Surrey, mmm the mizithra with spaghetti was DEE-LISH! On Saturday I woke up (well, Gwen woke me up with her texts!) and went to help Gwen clean out some of the dogs kennels. After that we headed downtown Vancouver to go to an Olympic womens hockey game! We waited in a big line outside the Bay on Granville street, hoping to get some red zip up olympic sweaters, which of course they were out of, but we both got something we liked anyways. After that it was game time! The lines were not nearly as bad as people were saying they would be. After a quick energy drink and a snack, we were inside and ready to watch the slaughter of Slovakia. We won 18 - 0!! At the end of the game they did a close up of Slovakias goalies face and she was crying, understandably. I almost felt bad for her, almost! I felt so proud to be Canadian! After the game Gwen and I decided to walk back to the car instead of catching the skytrain. The atmosphere downtown was just so cool, everyone was happy. All the homeless people had been "hidden" away, I wonder where they have gone? Sunday I woke up super late, exausted from the day before. Made my way up to Gwens house where we had a nice lunch and then finished up the last two dog kennels. Monday I did nothing at all and it felt so good! Now it's today and I have to work tomorrow. Gwen is going to meet me after work with one of the dogs and I'm going to have dinner over at her house. Not sure if I work Thursday or not but if I don't I need to do my taxes! Hopefully I will get lots and lots of money to put towards school. Goodnight everyone! Talk soon =)

It's Late...

It is 12:24 and I can't fall asleep! Dans birthday surprise was a success except for the fact that he was so full of birthday dinner that he couldn't eat any of his cake! He can have it for breakfast tomorrow. Met up with Gwen this afternoon and had a nice drive with her on our way to her computer guys house. I sure learned alot! As soon as I got home I took out my laptop battery and it is now in the freezer till tomorrow morning. Looking forward to putting in a new 300 GB hard drive, once I have money, still need to save up $10,000 for school...!

Surprise!

I love to surprise people! It's hard for me to though because I get so excited about the surprise that I usually give away too many hints. Recently we have aquired a new person around our house. His name is Dan, and after some unfortunate events he is now living next door on tylers couch. Well, today is Dans 22nd birthday so we are going to surprise him with a nice cake with his name on it. I hope he likes it. Surprise!

So this is the beginning..

At the end of January I started writing in a journal again, I figured that I would just post here what I had written so far... [From January 26th to today!]

01.26.2010

Mary showed me a note that Marielle had written on Facebook, publicly aplogizing to Joey. Really? He seems so controlling to me, I wish that I could reverse time and make so they had never met. It is so hard to see someone who has been your best friend since you were six, have their lives go completely down the tube. Within nine months she is pregnant and married? Talk about moving fast! But if there is one thing that I have learned from dealing with my mom all these years, it's that you cannot help someone who doesn't want to me helped. Dammit.

Went to go and see my Omi and Opa tonight, I can't remember the last time I saw them. Omi doesn't look very healthy and I don't think Opa is giving her all the care she needs. Dad is stressing about it alot and he is very angry towards Opa. On the other hand, Omi is german, which means stubborn and she is holding her own. As we were leaving I called out, "Love you guys," and Omi actually said she loved me back! She never tells me that so it made me happy to hear it.

I am leaving Dads house tomorrow and going back home. Iris has a hair appointment in North Vancouver so I'm going to meet up with her when she's done and make our way back to Maple Ridge together. Later!

01.27.2010

Just woke up and it is a beautiful sunny day! Had some dreams that made me feel kind of sad. I am glad the weather is nice so I don't get soaked on my way home. 3 hours of bus riding here I come...

/Since you have changed, the World is missing out on a beautiful person/

/As we get older our emotions grow colder/

01.27.2010

Had to work today, it was pretty busy so the time flew. Had to stay till 4:15 because Aman had guests over. Now I am on the computer feeling very tired!

01.29.2010

Picked up my highschool Diploma ( about time!)! I know I graduated but seeing the proof of it made me so happy.

02.01.2010

Haven't written for a few days! On Saturday I went up to Whistler with Wilf, Iris and Wamblee. It was pretty fun, Iris bought me a cute new touque, perfect for dogsledding! Wamblee got some new things too, including cool new checkered snowboard goggles. Went to the Spaghetti Factory for dinner, had a "factory" sized strawberry margaritta, which was ginormous so I gave most of it to Wamblee! After dinner we walked over to the Rocky Mountain Chocolate Shop to get some candied apples ( and maybe some fudge for me... just don't tell my thighs please!). One of the girls from 'Peak Season' works there and she is the one that served us! I was a little starstruck but I played it cool. hehe yeah right, me? Cool? Anyways.. once we got home Wamblee left to go to a party and I stayed home because I had to wake up at a decent time for work the next day. Today I woke up late and Gwen picked me up when she was off work. We made home made tomato sauce and fed dogs together. I had a really good night with her. Iris wants to go to Vancouver tomorrow but I am not so big on the idea seeing as I will be there on Wednesday as well, meeting up with my mom. Going to go play solitaire, wash my face, read my book, then probably head to bed.. sounds relaxing. :)

/Missing Mac and Kingnathan, can't help but think of them everytime I see Kit Kat./

02.02.2010

Didn't go to Vancouver today, it was nice to have a home day where I had nothing to do but veg. Have to wake up at 6:45 tomorrow so I can be ready to catch a ride with Tyler on his way to work. Meeting my mom at Metro Town Skytrain Station at tenish. I'm buying lunch even though I am the one trying to save up for school...

02.03.2010

Had a great day with my mom today! I was twenty minutes late to meet her because as I was waiting at the bus stop on 203rd a kid that was in my writing class in highschool ( I think his name is Zan?) got off a bus and started talking to me. As we were seated on the bench having a conversation, my bus drove right by me! He felt so bad, I thought it was funny. Once I had met up with my Mom we continued on the Skytrain to Granville. We played tourist in our own town, it was so fun! We took pictures at the museum and Robson Square Ice Rink and had a great lunch at the Mongolie BBQ on Davie Street. Olympic preparations were everywhere, the atmosphere was contagious, you couldn't help but be excited! It was so refreshing to have a normal, fun day with my mom. It reminded me how good our lives were before addiction came along... Too tired now to write any more but I may have a job in March working as a Dog Handler for a Coors Light Commercial, is that cool or what!

02.05.2010

Work yesterday, wasn't very exciting. I stayed for an extra half an hour trying to teach the owners six month German Sheppard how to walk with a choke chain. Today I woke up a decent time and grabbed some breakfast with Wilf and Iris at Denny's. When we were done we went to Burnaby to pick up the beautiful glass tiles we had ordered for the kitchen downstairs. I feelweird today, not sure what's up with me. It may have to do with the fact that my birthday is in 6 days. I am not excited because I feel like I haven't accomplished anything this year. :(
Hanging with Willow (next door neighbours dog), he always cheers me up!

02.06.2010

Thinking about Kevin alot today, the day his body was founds keeps running through my head..

01.24.2009
Bear

Woke up to the sound of my phone ringing.
"Where's your mom?"
"Gone."
"Kevin is dead."
Ring, Ring, Ring.
"Mom?"
"Yes?"
"Kevin killed himself."
"NoNoNoNoNoNoNo!"
It seemed like her crying went on forever, I had no patience for it.
"Mom, I have to go." Click.
I washed my face, at the time it seemed important.
Grabbed my sunglasses and started walking. It was a beautiful sunny day. One of the worst days.
Passed by an old man checking his mail with his small dog.
"Good morning! How are you?"
"Bad."
I continue walking.
I get to the building, the police and coroner are there. I start heading to the apartment. I am crying.
Hands grab me and make me sit down.
I always thought something inside you would know when someone you loved died.
"I need to see him." I feel like I am in a bad dream.
I wasn't allowed to see him. They had found him dead in the bedroom.
I hear a door open, close.
The sounds of footsteps on the concrete hallway.
Everyone tries to make me leave. Who are these people? Wish they would go away.
The gurney turns the corner by the elevator.
White.
A white sheet covering a familiar face and large feet. Size thirteen if I remember correctly.
My being changes. My hope shatters.
I am dead. I am dead.
I will try to make you proud.
I wish you had been at my birthday, I wanted you to meet my Dad.
Wanted my Mom and Dad at the same table, too much to ask I guess..

02.07.2010

Karl was out drinking last night with some friends and he didn't go home. Mom would be understandably angry. She has been gone all day and she hasn't called. I am worried. It is past midnight and I need to get to sleep, work tomorrow.

02.08.2010

Mom is okay. She was at Gary's house, in Maple Ridge! Why wouldn't she call me if she was only a five minute drive away? I am tired of feeling like her parent! On a happier note I woke up at five today and saw the Olympic torch go through Maple Ridge! Once in a lifetime experience! VERY cool :) !